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Archive for February, 2009

You have to look hard

Tulips -- Feb 28

I was sitting here at my desk this morning and I heard birds. Not crows, not the turkey vultures but song birds! Sounds of spring are here, finally.

I distracted the kids on something else (they aren’t the best to take along for getting pictures of birds) and snuck out the front door with my camera. I could hear the birds all through the sky but none close enough for my camera to be of any use.

I walked over to my flower bed to see how things are looking and hoping that my butterfly bush made it through the winter. When I slowed down, stopped feeling sorry for myself and looked beyond the dead leaves of last summer I found spring.

My flax is coming up, hyacinth is peeking up, my rescued tulips are looking great, my butterfly bush is going to be fine. In my veggie beds things are looking good too. Strawberries are waking up, chives, rosemary, thyme, and sage are looking wonderful. I have no doubts that the mint will survive as well.

A quick glance at my yard makes it look like it’s still in a deep winter slumber, but if you take the time and stop moping it’s starting to wake up.

Happy spring!

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Carpe Diem

Godspeed

I’m sitting here watching Dead Poets Society and remembering how it made me feel when I first watched it.

Carpe diem became my inner motto. I tried to abandon it simply due to it’s popularity but I found myself returning to the conformity of being true to yourself and seizing the day, right along with everyone else.

Somewhere along my road less traveled by I feel like I stopped seizing the day and progressed to tolerating the day. In high school I never would have imagined myself where I am now. Demographically I’m where I wanted to be. Married, with kids, having a job that I was able to affect others lives and make a difference to someone.

What I didn’t expect was the emotional storm that it came with. I never would have imagined communicating with someone I love so deeply could be anything but easy. I always thought that if you loved someone enough that everything else would just fall into place. I miss the spontaneity that I use to enjoy. Carpe diem has turned into dishes, laundry, and scrubbing the toilet.

Being a mother is harder than I ever could have imagined. If I did everything right, took my prenatal vitamins, didn’t go hot tubing, went to all of my doctor appointments everything would go right. So right in fact that while I researched the birth I wanted I never read about c-sections or when things go wrong. Sometimes when everything is done right, things still go wrong.

I was ok with the c-sections, after all they were pink and crying with ten fingers and ten toes. Everything was fine. Right? Well, up until the point it wasn’t at least.

My life is what is, and I can’t change that and I’m not even sure I would if I could. If only I could somehow still manage to seize the day instead of being bogged down by evaluations, appointments, long drives, housework, and endless piles of laundry.

Carpe diem.

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Signs of Spring

Could spring be on it's way?

Feb 25 seedlings started

It’s getting closer!

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Random thoughts

  • *I’m an RN. I’m not an MD, I can not tell you if you need surgery or not over the internet. If you are sick enough to wonder if you need surgery or not it’s probably a good idea to pay your $20 co-pay and be assessed by someone who can diagnose you.

    *I can’t read the doctor’s mind, but I’m going to guess that they order the test you are complaining about doing because they think it will give them more insight into the patient’s condition or else rule something out. I am fairly certain they didn’t order it just to mess with your schedule.

    *You had time to watch cartoons this morning, you had time to grab some toast if you were still hungry after breakfast. I’m not paying for you to eat school breakfast too.
    Why can’t I just start feeling better?!?!? I don’t like being sick, and I don’t like working sick.

    *Why does laundry seemingly reproduce in the laundry baskets? Why? Why can’t it be self cleaning? I hate laundry.

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    “What’s for dinner?”

    I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been mentally ran into a corner and hid under a table curled up in the fetal position when hearing those 3 little words after a long day.

    Dinner? Dinner? You want food after the long day I’ve had? Didn’t you already eat a couple of times today?

    *sigh*

    I’ve looked at doing once-a-month cooking before, but I’ve lacked the organization and follow through. I’ve looked at websites, and read testimonials but still held back uncertain if it would work for us.

    I’ve looked at other techniques of making mealtime less of a hassle that were technically more doable but I struggled to get past the cream of something soup added to a box of processed, nutritionally weak package of something with melted plastic cheese drizzled over the top. They made mealtime easier, but left me needing something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

    Earlier this week I ordered Once A Month Cooking from Amazon in a fit of frustration. I hoped it would be just what I needed to give me a little more sanity in the evening and was ready to let go of some of my standards for peace of mind.

    It came today with my box of books, and looking through the shopping list it lists things like onions, carrots, bell peppers, tilapia, feta cheese, etc. There are a few prepared things but not more than we would typically end up using in a two week period anyways.

    The shopping list is put out for us, as well as what staples you should have on hand for the month’s recipes. It gives you more than just the list of recipes and how to best freeze them but how to most efficiently prepare for the month. Efficient? Dinner? Is it possible? I’ll let you know

    What’s for dinner tonight? Hope.

    Well, probably chicken soup again since I’m still sick but I can see dinner time no longer being the hassle it once was.

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    I’ve been on the couch for 95% of the time all this week. “The” flu, complicated by pneumonia has left me grounded. I’ve been off of work, and no desire to do anything at all. The laptop and the Wii have kept me entertained for the few hours a week I feel like being awake and doing something.

    We’ve had a couple of packages delivered while I’ve been on couch duty that have given me something to entertain myself with such as MarioKart. Today another package came, with books I’ve ordered based on my conversation with the psychologist. I’m sitting here on the couch with nowhere to go and nothing to do and a lot of information at my fingertips.

    I can’t pick them up, not yet anyways. I have phone calls I should be making today, but I have no emotional energy to deal with the little details that need to be addressed like talking to our EAP people, deal with the insurance company, or track down appointments.

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    For a couple of years now I’ve had an interest in walking the 3 Day but I’ve had so much on my plate at the time that it hasn’t been realistic.

    I’m done with school, and while things have been overwhelming at home I’ve been looking for something to do for me again. In this searching for me I keep coming back to the 3 Day. It’s out of my comfort zone both physically (remember what happened last spring when I tried to train for the mini-tri? I’d rather not go down that road again) and emotionally. Then there is the financial responsibility. $2,300 is a lot of money to raise, and just how do I go about that? With Paul’s job not being guaranteed past next Friday and at that only working 21 hours/week is it a good idea to pay the registration fee, not to mention the money for shoes as well as other incidentals that will come up?

    I’ve never been one to let my comfort zone determine where I go in life, I’m struggling to determine if my hesitation with this idea is founded or just based on fear.

    We’ll see if I have what it takes to walk this very important walk or not.

    If anyone has any experience with participating in the 3 Day please share, the good, the bad, the blisters.

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