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Archive for February 23rd, 2013

Whatcha’ been doing?

The kids are growing up, regardless of my desire for them to stay little and have me be the center of their world forever.  Charlet has been gone with the band since Thursday morning supporting both the girls and boys basketball teams at the state tournament at Weber State.  She’s across the state, without me, and just fine.  They’re all driving home in this

Jealous?  No?  Me either.  Nervous?  Yes, me too. I do know she is good hands and I’m going to have to trust that the bus drivers aren’t taking them on a wild ride like some of our snowy volleyball trips to Salina were.  
Michael is playing his tuba with the Honors Band on a Saturday concert next month.  He’s absolutely loving everything about band and it’s great to see him excelling at something he enjoys.  He wants to play baseball this year, sign ups are next week — not certain how it’s going to go but it’s fun to see him interested in something.  
Softball sign ups are the same time as baseball and it’s a little bittersweet.  I’ve put a lot of bleacher time in watching Charlet play ball for years, through the times when it’s hard for the kids to hit, to throw, t-ball to machine pitch to coach pitch.  The last few years I’ve really enjoyed her games, making me want to find a time to play with.  This year?  Track.  I promised myself that I’d never be the parent pushing my agenda for my kids and I would support them in whatever they wanted to do.  I stand behind that but I’ll miss her games and the excitement when she’d make some nice double plays at second.  Kaede is just starting out with Little League ball so we’re back to the very early learning stages.  
She’s also starting piano lessons {we really need to get the piano tuned} and the noise level in the house after school has definitely gone up a couple of notches.
I’m still working nights in ICU, very anxious for spring sunshine with long walks and a sunset that is actually in the evening instead of late afternoon.
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I’m thinking one of my categories up top should be “life is hard”  I find that my life can easily become a series of waiting for the next step because certainly at the next step there will be a break.  Time to catch my breath, a period of time when perhaps things are easy.  That’s the way it’s suppose work — on my timeline.

I don’t see a break coming.  Milestones have passed that I’ve anxiously awaited because after X then Y.  I really, really think Y would be great but X has come and gone with no sight of Y in sight.  Apparently life isn’t quite like an algebra equation or the alphabet.  It’s not a long straight highway either, my road is mostly dirt and rocks with what might be two tire tracks surrounded by some beautiful scenery.

In the past when I’ve struggled with something there comes a point where I stop and think “what am I suppose to learn?”  Sometimes it’s been a person that our personalities clash and they just grate on that very last nerve even when they aren’t around but when I stop and let go of the power I’m giving them over my life and look at what they can teach me or add into my life the irritation and struggle fall away into remember when land.

I don’t know what I’m suppose to be learning right now or if there is even anything but I wish whatever it is would fall away into “remember when”  Looking back I can see that times of struggle have been when I’ve grown stronger it’s just hard to see when you are in the middle of struggling with an unknown and it never eases up to give some recuperation time.

I do know, with all of my everything, that things are better now than they use to be.  I am stronger now than I use to be.  I believe more in me than I use to.  I hope I have the strength and endurance to follow this through to the end — not knowing what the end will be but certain that after the end something else will come along that I wasn’t expecting to challenge me in different ways.  I wish that somewhere along this journey I find someone to travel it with me.  Much like filling a position in ICU though, waiting for the right person with the right skill set, background and knowledge is important.  No one is better than the wrong one.

The Road Not Taken

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