Archive for March, 2013

I love you

I written several things in here trying to describe how I feel tonight but it all comes down to I love you more than you will ever understand. I would do absolutely anything for you.

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This weekend has been fun. Painful, but fun.

I entered the weekend carrying a hefty load of emotional pain that a long walk didn’t clear away. I was determined to not spend my birthday weekend at home being all mopey. I went to the movies with a couple of friends, Nicholas Sparks movie for good measure.

Afterwards someone asked why I picked that movie. It’s much easier to watch the perfect love story and realize it is just a story. Seeing a husband head over heels puppy dog in love after years together is hard.

Saturday I went roller skating. Or roller falling. My hands are bruised and the pain in my tailbone is keeping me awake. I am propped on my side realizing that every 2 hours might not be often enough to turn patients when they aren’t comfy. I’m not comfy. I’ve said I’m not going to the doc for this because they can’t do anything for it. Except maybe give me meds better than ibuprofen. I can’t just not sleep but the knife going through my tailbone leaves me here awake and miserable.

Skating was still fun.

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Science Fair

The science fair was today, I had originally thought it was tomorrow and getting everything done on time when I’d planned on doing it tonight was a challenge.  We did it though.  🙂  Done {until next year} I love science, I love doing science projects {hello bubbles and dry ice!} but I really, really, really dislike the science fair.

Originally Kaede wanted to make a heart that would beat and figure out how to fix her murmur.  I waited for that trend to pass while thinking of heart related projects we could do and cheered a little when she moved on to something else.  In the end we compared quality of color (brightness was our test) between kit dyed eggs and naturally dyed eggs.  My kitchen stunk to high heaven and no one wanted to eat the carrot, orange peel, lemon peel, cumin stew that was left over from trying to make a yellow egg but we are done.

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Sometimes I sit here or on my bed with my journal and pens wishing that what I’m feeling could skip past my mind and end up on paper.  Today is one of those days.  Somewhere inside of me there is a lesson I need to remember, or one I am suppose to share but I don’t know what it is and it’s largely trapped inside making my heart ache and everything I say just feels like a huge whine that no one wants to listen to.

I’ve been on 3 walks today, typically about the point I get tired my mind stops racing and I come home feeling a little better, even if it’s just temporarily.  Today was different.  I’m exhausted and my leg is throbbing and my mind is still making a continuous list of all the ways I will never be enough anything.  I’m coming to the conclusion that if there is something I am excited about or looking forward to I don’t dare get excited — it hurts less if you didn’t count on something exciting before it all goes awry.

I have tomorrow night off and *whispers* no kids. Also, no plans.  It’s my birthday weekend and I’m quickly realizing that while I want it to be fun and happy it really is just a painful reminder of the past.  I refuse to sit at home alone tomorrow, but I don’t know what I’ll do.  My favorite dinner place is actually a lunch place, I have no idea what is in the theaters and trying to plan something is just another thing to add onto my list.  I’m not even going to mention the stress Sunday night is causing.

On my walk I went up 150 W, where I use to walk every time because that’s how far the walky talky would reach.  I passed houses of people who have made a huge impact on my life and who I am that I haven’t talked with in forever.  If it hadn’t been dinner time I may have stopped to visit but I don’t think I could put words to “how are you” so I kept walking.  I snaked through the blocks looking for the house on one of the streets between the elementary school and high school that is always full of daffodils long before my bloom — I couldn’t find it.

I did find noises of spring though, kids were in a backyard laughing and having fun and the sound of a skateboard was soft in the background from the park at the school and someone had meat on the grill that smelled wonderful. I tried to smile inside at the sound and smells of my favorite time of year and I couldn’t.

By this time I was hoping I wouldn’t run into anyone and just let the flood of emotions run.  Feelings of inadequacy and frustration, trying to accept how everything was hitting all at once without sending myself spinning off.  The setting sun and evening chill biting at my cheeks had me turn towards home.

I hope today is an anomaly and that my walks are as therapeutic as they use to be, I think of all the frustrations I’ve left alone my route and hope that I’ve picked up — it is still is there isn’t it?  

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Dear Winter

Dear Winter,

Your time on your lease is up at midnight.  I’ve noticed that you’ve been packing and not even around at all occasionally.  I think it’s great that you’ve let Spring bring in her crocus blooms and started seeing tulip and daffodil greens as well as letting the robins in.  We would like to thank you for your service, for the snow you’ve left, for the bitter cold that will make us appreciate spring a little more than usual.

Now, please get out!!!  

I know how easy it is to want to show up just one more time and reminisce about the snowmen and sledding but more than any other year I will be ever so happy to see you in December and not before.


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I could have titled this post “Kid Brags” but I didn’t.  We’ve been busy around here, more so than I have video footage of but I have a feeling you don’t care about seeing me sort laundry or scrub the toilet.  If you want the highlights you’ll need to scroll to the end I posted these in chronological order not best to worst.

I have no video footage, but Charlet just got home from traveling with the Pep Band to the state basketball tournament.  I am glad she was able to go, glad she had fun and crazy happy to have her back home.  Missed her tons and not completely okay with all this growing up she’s doing.  Did you know she’s old enough in exactly 1 month to get her learner’s permit?  eeek, make sure you park away from the streets!

First concert was the CMS Varsity Pops Concert at the middle school.  Michael and 30-ish other students who started out in JV band worked hard this year and exceeded expectations so they took the group of them and broke off another section teaching them the varsity songs.

Party Rock Anthem

Pirates of the Caribbean (this is their challenge piece)



Halo Theme

Les Mis
Saber Dance (Michael really didn’t like the tuba part for this piece)


Crazy Train!

South’s school play was this week too, week before spring break is nearly as bad as just before Christmas!  She was a Brainiac in Tales From The Street.  I only recorded her clip and due to some technical difficults {okay, operator difficulties} I don’t even have all of it.  She’s middle left with bouncy pigtails and black leggings.

Michael was invited to join the ICSD Honors band for middle school students {yes, I’m proud of him on so many levels, it’s amazing to watch him get into something that goes so well and he succeeds at}  They met for the first time at 8 am this morning and worked until about 3:30 with a 5:30 call time for the concert.  They did amazing, even considering my bias and that this is the first time they’ve played together and really worked on the music.  Dr. Adam Lambert from SUU’s music department headed it up.

Part 1 of 4  {yes, the video part is of the seats in front of us, it’s better than super crazy way jiggly from trying to find a decent spot to record, normally I try to at least kind of get Michael in there somewhere but that wasn’t an option this time}

Part 2 of 4

Part 3 of 4

Part 4 of 4 Pirates of the Caribbean (they stop talking at 3:25)  This is the same piece that they played at the Varsity Pops Concert.

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If only I could freeze today and hold onto it for when I get discouraged.  Weather was beautiful here and absolutely gorgeous in St George.  A quick leg check up turned into “hey, we can fix that now”  and for once their version of fixing involved less pain when I left than when I walked in.  He did deny me a complete vessel transplant though.  I started of my morning with a quick chat from someone who always makes me feel a little better about myself, got to see some more 3 West friends since I stopped by there to chat with one of my favorite people.  A slow walk around the block  with DiAnna before going to teach a full room of 12-14 year old boys about first aid was perfect.

Reality is my day isn’t much different than normal, I had too much to do to get anything done around the house and very few things are crossed off my to do list and teenagers to deal with.  Visits with friends were short and sweet, nothing extremely out of the ordinary.  What is different?


Church on Sunday was great, one specific moment more so than the rest.  It turned an “I don’t want to” into an “I can do this”  It’s not unusual for that kind of day to be followed by some intense nights and pondering — this was no exception and neither was the peace that always seems to follow.  I’m going to do the things that will keep that peace the longest.  Do my best to preserve today for as long as possible.

I know things will seem hard again and I’ll have times that I’m scared and confused and begging for an instruction manual with specific directions for me but I can get through.  I told a student nurse a few weeks ago after a relatively straight forward procedure went awry that when things aren’t perfect and things don’t go as planned is when you learn the most valuable lessons.  The mistakes you make from forgetting a tegaderm for the IV you just started to medication errors can teach a lesson better than anything else if you let it.  Mistakes will happen, no one wants them to and sometimes it isn’t so much a mistake as things just didn’t go as planned.  It wasn’t until last night I realized that life is the same way we all make mistakes and you can either learn and grow from it and not make the same mistake again and perhaps even be able to apply it to other areas or you can ignore it, not care, or pretend that it didn’t happen.

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