Archive for June, 2013

The past few months my eating has been crazy erratic. I’ve tried track through My Fitness Pal and failed. I tried tracking and having coworkers hold me accountable — then someone makes a run to Cafe Rio and my willpower of a slug fails. 

During school I had good success with Weight Watchers, partially because I always had Colleen next me saying “is that a cookie?  Why are you eating a cookie?”  I used it online and had my accountability in my best friend. 
She’s moved away and my accountability has changed, willpower is missing.
So I signed up again, plan to use the meeting for accountability and this week is my assessment week. Eating what I normally eat and just getting in the habit of recording everything. Come July I’m going to try Tonergy and see if I can get my body moving more too. Oh, yikes July is nearly here. 

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I sit here in bed wanting to have some writing therapy and I’ve got nothing. I’ve ran out of patience, I’ve been feeling it coming and even gave someone a heads up yesterday. So today I let stupid little things get me that normally I don’t. The heat has zapped my energy and perhaps some of mental energy as well?

So, I have nothing. 

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Rarely do things I read on the Internet make me angry. This is an exception that is coming back to me, days later. A friend who is in the early stages of getting a divorce posted looking for some additional strength. Really, who hasn’t needed a little extra strength at one time or another?

Someone replied that you are either doing the right thing or you aren’t. If you are doing the right thing you shouldn’t need to be looking for strength. 
The early days of getting a divorce are hard. Really hard. I had no doubt it was the right choice but daily I went looking for strength. I found it on my walks, in visits with the Relief Society president, when I was falling apart knowing I couldn’t go on and surely there couldn’t be another day after this one is there?  Yes, I needed to find extra strength. 
Going back to school with little kids.  Oh heavens did I need to go looking for strength. Making the decision to walk away from a bad situation?  Takes strength — staying is much easier. Going to Sacrament meeting at 9 am when I got home at 7 and have to go to work again takes emotional and physical strength. 
So tonight when I don’t feel strong enough to stand up to what is before me I’m looking for strength. I fought for this, would have fought to be bitter end if needed.  None of that makes tonight any easier and so I go looking for strength because I know it is there, I know I can do hard things and I know in the morning the sun will rise again. 
Meanwhile I write, read, and pray because I’ve learned that the deeper the strength is hidden the more powerful it is when it’s found. 
So, you can take your sentiment of if you are doing the right thing you don’t need to look for strength and run away elsewhere, I have no interest in playing with you. 

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The timelines assigned during history classes typically focus on concrete details. Begin and ending of wars, government changes, significant social changes etc. Personal timelines are similar: first steps, first word, able to tie a shoe, started kindergarten, hit a home run, graduation, etc

What if we changed those tick marks to less temporal milestones. 1991 — learned the value of daily scripture study, 1995 — went to conference with seminary counsel and had significant testimony building experiences, 2004 — gained enough faith in myself to go back to school, 2008 — humbled to have the responsibility on my shoulders that comes with nursing, 2009 — understood the meaning of individual worth beyond a dictionary definition and most importantly that it applies to me. 
That’s not a complete timeline, and just hits some superficial milestones but how would things change if instead of remembering when we did things if we remembered when we learned, grew, or strengthened ourselves {or would it change at all?}   

Last week I visited with Sister Horton and was not at all prepared to answer “how are things going?”  I’m not certain I’ve chatted with them since Charlet was a baby and so much has changed since then. I took deep breath and said “things are better than they were” and it wasn’t until after I said it that I realized I believed it.  
My things timeline right now is overwhelming.  My timeline I’d titled “who I am becoming” more accurately describes me, or at least the me I try to focus on. I believe in myself, I have learned I can trust others, I know now I am never alone regardless of what the world sees, I have a deeper and broader definition for love and for peace. 
How would you rather your timeline be?  A list of events and accomplishments or snapshots of who you are becoming?

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My Boys

For those of you who don’t know I am the youngest of 4 and the only girl. Regardless of popular belief I’m not completely spoiled rotten.  I grew up knowing very well how to handle being teased, how to get dirty and just the right tone to add to “Dad! The boys are being mean!”  

I’ve been teased to tears, tickled until I nearly peed, and heaven help anyone who took me on a date in high school if the boys knew about it. Which they usually did. 
I spend a good chunk of time wondering what it would be like to have sisters instead of brothers. 
The teasing hasn’t stopped but I wouldn’t trade the boys for the best sisters in the world. No matter how alone I feel as I stand to fight {well, pretty much anything} I know that they are right behind me ready to do whatever needs to be done from late night conversations while working graveyard shift to making it so I always feel welcome including everything in between and beyond. 
I love my boys. {not the best picture of any of us but I don’t care}
Oh, and Happy Birthday Mom!

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Fake it ’til you make it has worked for me in many situations from being happy about housework to finding the energy to keep me busy during a serious slump. 

I’m not exactly faking it, but I have been trying to keep busy to keep everything ‘okay’. It works, but the level of busy it requires is exhausting to maintain. Then there are the days that it requires busy level impossible. That’s been my last week – ten days. 
I don’t like not being ‘okay’. I’m not even certain what people mean by okay, or what my personal definition is but I like it and I hate it when it’s gone. 
One thing I realized today is that there are ways to be okay other than being busy. The screens for the rental were at cabin so I made a trip over today to grab them and the girls wanted to stay with their cousins and I got to make the trip up the canyon alone. 

I dumped an emotional bag of stress as I crossed The Bridge and pretty soon everything was okay. 
Butterflies danced on the wild flowers. 

I could hear the creek, smell the trees, and breath in the crisp air. 
Then I had to come home where reality waits for me with a daunting list. I want to give in, throw in the towel, run away, hide under the covers forever.
I can’t “can’t” because the stakes are too high and I’m too stubborn to give in. Hmmm, stubborn. One of those negative connotation words that has a lot of good in it too. 
Maybe my ‘endure to the end’ is carefully disguised as stubbornness. 

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I have friends {yes they have children} who are not as overwhelmed by laundry as I am. One has set laundry days, one does a load every day, one has less of a system but no one seems to be as overwhelmed by a constant Mount Washmore as I am. 

The one constant among these friends?  They fold in a timely manner. I hate folding. It seems to be the common thread and I am tired of fighting the laundry monster and losing so I’m changing up my game. Today is day 2 of folding everything in a mostly timely matter. I am also folding what I washed plus a few extra things, I have lost ground to be making up here. 
I will report back in a week. I wonder how long it will take me to not be behind?  I also am working 7 in a row and with the new dress code I only have 3 sets of scrubs. *sigh*
If you have a magical wonderful laundry system let me know. 

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