Archive for October, 2013

Ahhhh fall

Yesterday was crazy windy and today I woke to a skiff if snow and iced over car. That said, it’s been a beautiful few days. Even Wal-mart seemed peaceful. 

I’m refusing to take credit in this change of perspective but I am grateful for it, even if it is the calm before the storm. I will be better prepared to weather the storm this way. 

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Nothing of amazing miracles has changed in my life, if anything things have gotten a little more complicated since yesterday.  Today was the kind of day that is the reason that Sunday’s are my favorite day of the week.  I feel emotionally and spiritually tanked up, and even if it is just the calm before the storm today was overflowing with peace.  I’m remembering in my heart, not just my head how profound of a feeling peace can be if we allow it into our lives.

I value today from before I got up out of bed likely until I fall asleep tonight for how much hope it has brought to me.  I know that mountain is still before me, but I can do this.  I’ve climbed mountains before, more alone than I am now.  I may not know this particular mountain well but I’ve surrounded myself with support and I have faith in those leading me along this trail.  I still have to climb this mountain by myself but I have a cheering section that I trust implicitly.

I don’t know how to adequately describe how grateful I am for today, it may not have brought miraculous circumstance changes but it has been a tender mercy that was desperately needed.  Phone calls brought reassurance, talking with strangers brought peace and hope, a walk with the kids let me crunch through fallen leaves and soak in one more day of sunshine before winter darkness arrives. Somehow the caramel cheesecake belongs in here too, it was wonderful.

I remember now why I worked every Saturday for over a year, it’s because there was a time that every, or at least most, Sunday’s were like this.  No matter how I felt going in, coming out on the other side of Sunday was significantly better and usually lasted close to 7 days if I worked hard at it.

Thank you from every fiber of my being for today.

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Better after

There is a blog out there titled Better After. Mostly DIY redoing, recycling, upcycling projects. Furniture from yard sales or thrift stores remade into beautiful pieces type stuff. Some if the before and after shots are amazing. The after pictures hardly resemble the before.

I’ve adopted a similar motto for catching up on neglected housework. Better today than yesterday. Each day I clean up more of a mess than we make, ideally something extra in each room. Ideal doesn’t always match reality an sometimes nothing is better today than yesterday. 
Unfortunately better after isn’t always (or ever) a linear motion. When redoing a room or piece of furniture during is much more chaotic, vulnerable, and downright messy than before was. It gets worse (harder) before it gets to better after. 
I don’t have a detailed map of what lies ahead but I know that it will be better after. I also know that inbetween here and there is a lot if shaky ground with very vulnerable areas and I can’t take things I’ve been hiding behind with me, they aren’t allowed. 
I do not necessarily have faith that I can do it. I do have faith in those surrounding me and who is leading me on the journey. I don’t know what lies on the other side, I will let you know when I get there. No, I don’t know when that will be either. 

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Last night I made a conscience choice to climb this monster of a mountain in front of me instead of walking around it and pretending it doesn’t exist.  It’s there, I’m going to conquer it. It’s going to take me relying on ‘my people’ for I don’t know what yet. I guess at this point I’m just packing all my mountain climbing gear.

I have either talked to or plan to talk to all the people I need to know that I’m climbing in case I start to fall. My journey started with a lot of tears and a Priesthood Blessing. Other homework will have to wait until next week, but that will give me time to gather my gear together.
I don’t know what will happen to the blog. For the last year this has been my shoulder to cry on, celebrate with etc. I write more anytime I tackle a mountain but I see this being very personal and specific. I may password some entries, I may go back to my paper journal.  I don’t know just yet. If you want a password to a private entry just ask. I may not say yes, but I won’t be offended. Maybe that will be tonight, defining my mountain. 
It’s time for me to get to work, but starting my morning quiet and thoughtfully has been an amazing blessing. I hope you all have a great day. 

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Sometime after my last blog post this quote from Elder Holland came across my Instagram feed a couple of times as well as Facebook more times than I could count.

I have a love hate relationship with the quote. I absolutely adore Elder Holland and his talks are amazing. It speaks to hope and future strength. Perhaps an implied end to hard things. The take heart part is difficult when in the trenches though. Good news!  It could get worse!  
When I went on trek two years ago I came home exhausted, dusty, spiritually tanked up and had more hope than I’d seen in a while. While relaying part of my trek experience I told someone (Kris?!?) that none of the pioneers that made it to Salt Lake Valley made it by sitting down as the storm blew across them and their handcarts along Rocky Ridge. They kept walking, carrying those that couldn’t walk regardless of how hard things seemed.  When it was all over they were grateful for the experience. 
I mistakenly compared where I was with my current load of trials for that time as my personal Rocky Ridge followed by jokingly saying at least I’d better not still be out on the plains. I thought I could see an end and as such a beginning. What I didn’t realize is that really I was in a crowded train car on my way to Missouri still. 
Anyways, endure to the end. You can’t endure to the end passively just letting time pass in hopes that things improve. You (meaning me) have to keep going, each morning getting up out of bed and making the best decisions we can for that day. Hopefully today is better than yesterday. Things are slightly better today than yesterday and much better than Monday. I don’t know when harder ends, and I don’t know that I can yet ‘take heart’ but I’ve stopped thinking that I’m doing something wrong for things to keep getting harder.  Sometimes harder just happens.
Chin up, Buttercup 

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If you either follow my blog or have had very many conversations about when I’m struggling you probably have heard how much I lean on Henry B Eyring’s talk Mountains to Climb. The Mormon Message from that talk is amazing too. In that talk he says “at the bedside of someone ready to give up the fight”.

I had “give up” days last week where I gave up on housework and my accompanying better today than yesterday philosophy. Where I came home from work and ate some crackers and milk for dinner, considering that a success. Where I came home from a Bishop’s appt and sobbed in my driveway.  I’ve pictured what my mountain to climb video would look like and the after is too far away to picture or dream about. Lonely is so difficult for me, it feels like I’m a living version of the Tin Man, just hollow inside. Add a dose of self doubt and it’s a miserable feeling. 
Where I am now feels like forever, I don’t know that I have the strength to get through this, and if I do what is next?  If I give up now will things stop being so hard? It feels as if my ability to cope has been completely over estimated. 
Being a single parent outright sucks sometimes. There is no one there to give you a hug and say that everything is going to be okay, you can get through this together. 
That said, things are still better than they were. It’s harder, definitely, and I miss things that I never had in my marriage but better than they were. 
I have Visiting Teachers coming by today and a bit of cleaning to do so I need to get off of here for now. 

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Gratitude List

Working on my perspective here.

  • Grateful for better living through pharmaceuticals, it’s making my life tolerable for the time being. 
  • Grateful I know where all my kids are and that they are safe. 
  • Grateful for the best friends and neighbors. 
  • Grateful I can have an early bedtime tonight so I can do it all again tomorrow. 

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