Archive for September, 2014

Warm fuzzies

There is some online bickering tonight among some very real friends of mine. It makes me sad and my heart is feeling a little fragile tonight so I’m taking that extra sensitive and turning it to good. 

Thinking about this group of friends, they’ve walked me through weekly trips to Orem, twice/month to PCH, tests, procedures, evals, Early Intervention, and IEP fun. We have shared stories, tips on how to best get a stool sample of liquid stool from a diaper, campaigned for funding at Capitol Hill, laughed together and been a friend when things seem lonely and no one else really understands and the world seems lonely. I’ve cried over children who have passed away, cheered at milestones met years behind schedule and watched kids grow from babies in a stroller over video conferencing to going on trek last summer. It’s an amazing group of amazing women and I would have been lost without them. So grateful for technology that keeps us connected. 
I’m similarly grateful for my ward. When they juggled us up I felt lost and invisible. I knew I wasn’t, but my heart didn’t. All of the people who checked up on me if I missed a Sunday or activity I’d typically be at were gone. I still miss them tons, but I have grown to love our ward. They don’t just love and care about my kids in emotions, they use the action form. I can’t begin to explain the depth of my appreciation for my ward family for all they do for us and the example they are.  
The weather lately has been beautiful. Amazing storms and gorgeous sunsets with golden leaves up the mountain. 

I have more, but it’s late and tomorrow starts early.

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I think most of us at sometime or another feel some version of “I’m not enough, I never will be enough and I’m too tired to keep trying.”  Yesterday started that way for me. Nothing was different, but my life is anything but easy. I’m okay with that, I don’t know anyone who has ever gotten anywhere by things being easy. It could be that Hard Things caught up with me, realizing that I will never be able to do it all. If my basement is clean, upstairs is messy. If laundry and dishes are done there is clutter everywhere. If weeds are pulled at the rental we are eating fast food for dinner. If I’m working everything else falls to pieces. I can’t do it on my own and occasionally a black cloud of “I can’t” finds it’s way to me.

A small part of me wants to give into “I can’t” and hide under the covers all day. A bigger part of me wants to figuratively run away into a novel or movie. There have been times that most of me wanted to literally run away. The first two have won in the past, but Reality is very patient waiting for me when I come out from underneath the covers, close the book, or credits roll. While it’s been patient Reality has grown as if it feasts on my frustrations. 
Yesterday was different. I took a few minutes with I can’t just so she wouldn’t feel ignored and then I thought of the passage from Finding Happiness, Peace, and Joy by Richard G. Scott on page 102 where he talks about I Can’t and her family of emotions not being from Christ. I took a deep breath watched Mountains To Climb and tried to kick I Can’t out. It wasn’t easy (see above) but knowing I had Gospel truths on my side made me more determined.

As I thought about how flawed and imperfect I am I realized that everyone is, we are all still here after all. I look at my role models and while I can’t see their imperfections I know they aren’t perfect either. They are still learning and growing too. They even have days where they are frustrated and overwhelmed.  It’s okay that we aren’t perfect, we aren’t meant to be after all.  We are here to learn and to grow. 

To those who deal with I Can’t on a daily basis, I wish I had words to make things easier for you. That I could jump insider your head and help fight the endless battle for you. Like A Broken Vessel from October 2013 General Conference by Jeffrey R Holland is one of the most hope filled things I have to offer. 

So, I’ve been sitting on this post for about a week waiting to find the quote, snap a picture of the passage from the book, something. Anything. I can’t find my book and I wanted to read tonight. I feel like I’ve lost my seminary copy of the scriptures.  I am going to post this as is, unedited and not prettied up — much like those down days feel


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He Loves Me Nots

In my tween years I thought of daisies as “he loves me nots” showing both my pessimist view and what I thought was the most accurate way to know if I was loved (in the kind of puppy dog crushes “love” only tweens have). Sometimes I forced the love, counting backwards before I started plucking the petals to predetermine my fate. 
In my yard and most of the neighborhood all of the daisies are spent, dried petals and drooping heads alerting us that fall is just around the corner. As I was walking the other day this peeked at me from behind a light pole. The day was gloomy outside but this matched my peaceful soul. As I stopped to admire the beauty I almost picked it to play he loves me, he loves me. 
I left it, hoping it would brighten someone’s day and realizing that I don’t need a daisy to determine if I’m loved. I know it because I feel it and I see it every day in small and large acts of kind service. I hear it often and know from the smile on my face when I hear his special text tone. 
Just like this daisy, love isn’t perfect. There are petals with small bite marks from a grasshoppers lunch and some that never fully uncurled but this little daisy brightened the street and put a smile on my face making my day better simply for being there. 
It’s being there that I’ve wanted for so long. Not the big exciting dates (okay, those are fun too), constant barrage of flowers (I’m an occasionally fan of flowers — not so much frequently) or other outward shows of affection but the evening walks, showing up at my house during lunch break or waiting for me after a long days work. Simply being there and being present in my life makes bad moments good and good things better. 

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Goodbye Summer

Summer for me ends in a whirlwind of school starting, Kaede’s birthday, Labor Day, county fair, usually Mom and Dad coming home from Alaska and a little of who knows what else thrown in,

This year for Kaede’s birthday we went to Bunker Pond for some gratitude perspective on our weather up here.  We did manage (barely) to not melt, but I didn’t take my camera so I will add a few phone pictures after I’m done.  On the way home the Vue’s transmission decided to have a tissy fit and spew some fluids everywhere.  I didn’t realize they were designed to be able to handle such things and have a breather tube or tissy fit tube, that lets some of the steam off.  That took a detour and a stop off of the side of the road just past the Hurricane exit and we were back in business.

Sunday morning I talked in church (I will post about that in an upcoming post) but was the talk written?  Oh heavens no.  They are never actually written out for me, just a sketchy outline but I wasn’t even that far.  I’d thought about it tons but hadn’t put anything down on paper and the notes I made in my phone on Gospel Library weren’t in the order I wanted to give them and my phone is too small to read off.  Once again, I didn’t melt and neither did anyone else.  Overall I think it went well, but I don’t mind talking.  People liking to listen to me is another matter entirely though.

Monday morning we were off to the Labor Day fair.

CVHS Marching Band

CVHS Drumline

You know it’s a county fair parade when there are dogs riding on a tractor

Kaede as a banner carrier for CHS 
Michael and his sousaphone.  I’m proud of how hard this kid can work.

A girl and her flute. I don’t think she is playing with that smile on her face

From the parade we headed to the cabin.  Terry brought his new toy and had as much fun teaching the little ones to shoot as they had shooting.  The rest of the big boys did too.

Benny, Michael, Kaede, Terry, and the new toy

Michael taking a picture of Terry teaching Kaede to shoot.

Kaede being coached by Uncle Terry

Jelly!!!  Neil and Ryker playing cards, Josie behind them and Grandpa to the right

Kaede and Jo off on an adventure

Michael shooting.
Path to the Rock John.  Not a very glorious end, but I love the path.

Neil and I went up this path to check the water tank, and looking down towards the court yard and the cabin I realized that this is my favorite place on earth.  Memories of family reunions with extended family, quick trips with Grandpa and running all over the hillside.  If I got “lost” I walked downhill until I found the stream and then followed it to the road and walked back up.  I could write a book titled “My Side of the Mountain” if the title wasn’t stolen already.  Pulling onto the lot worries fly away and a quiet peace takes their place.  Definitely my favorite place on earth.

It was a crazy weekend with lots of road time (with lots of kids!) but worth every second of it.  I’m not yet recovered and into my work week.  Oh well, sleep is overrated isn’t it?


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