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Archive for September 23rd, 2014

I think most of us at sometime or another feel some version of “I’m not enough, I never will be enough and I’m too tired to keep trying.”  Yesterday started that way for me. Nothing was different, but my life is anything but easy. I’m okay with that, I don’t know anyone who has ever gotten anywhere by things being easy. It could be that Hard Things caught up with me, realizing that I will never be able to do it all. If my basement is clean, upstairs is messy. If laundry and dishes are done there is clutter everywhere. If weeds are pulled at the rental we are eating fast food for dinner. If I’m working everything else falls to pieces. I can’t do it on my own and occasionally a black cloud of “I can’t” finds it’s way to me.

A small part of me wants to give into “I can’t” and hide under the covers all day. A bigger part of me wants to figuratively run away into a novel or movie. There have been times that most of me wanted to literally run away. The first two have won in the past, but Reality is very patient waiting for me when I come out from underneath the covers, close the book, or credits roll. While it’s been patient Reality has grown as if it feasts on my frustrations. 
Yesterday was different. I took a few minutes with I can’t just so she wouldn’t feel ignored and then I thought of the passage from Finding Happiness, Peace, and Joy by Richard G. Scott on page 102 where he talks about I Can’t and her family of emotions not being from Christ. I took a deep breath watched Mountains To Climb and tried to kick I Can’t out. It wasn’t easy (see above) but knowing I had Gospel truths on my side made me more determined.

As I thought about how flawed and imperfect I am I realized that everyone is, we are all still here after all. I look at my role models and while I can’t see their imperfections I know they aren’t perfect either. They are still learning and growing too. They even have days where they are frustrated and overwhelmed.  It’s okay that we aren’t perfect, we aren’t meant to be after all.  We are here to learn and to grow. 

To those who deal with I Can’t on a daily basis, I wish I had words to make things easier for you. That I could jump insider your head and help fight the endless battle for you. Like A Broken Vessel from October 2013 General Conference by Jeffrey R Holland is one of the most hope filled things I have to offer. 

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So, I’ve been sitting on this post for about a week waiting to find the quote, snap a picture of the passage from the book, something. Anything. I can’t find my book and I wanted to read tonight. I feel like I’ve lost my seminary copy of the scriptures.  I am going to post this as is, unedited and not prettied up — much like those down days feel

~H
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