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Archive for May 9th, 2017

I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked that the last few weeks and I know it’s from a place of caring but there is no good answer or even an actual answer.  It varies day to day, sometimes even hour to hour.

The first week everything was foggy and hazy.  It was like I was reading a well written book without interruptions and I was putting myself into the book, feeling what they felt.  Except when I read a book that way I wake up the next morning and I’m back in my life. I’m grateful for the muted feelings, I don’t think I could have cried anymore and my chest hurt from fear of the what lies ahead.

The weekend I was able to mostly pretend things were normal.  We did a dump run and got rid of some weeds and yard waste, discussed the rapid cycling that Utah weather has, went to church and had family dinner around the table.  Normal things.

Monday I was nervous and busy with school stuff (it is May after all) homework, plays, laundry, dusting, vacuuming, laundry and then some more laundry.  Busy enough that I was able to focus away from the nerves.  Today everything felt very real walking into the Cancer Center for Neil’s PET scan, without the book like quality from a few weeks ago. I’m anxious to have more of a plan in place for treatment, I know that staging his cancer is crucial to making the best plan possible but I’m tired of this limbo land.  I want to discover what our new normal is going to be.  I want to have weekends off and be able to escape for the weekend to the cabin.  I want to wake up and find out this is all a bad dream (it’s rapidly losing it’s dream like qualities though).  I want this evening to last forever, it’s quiet except for the rain and I’m not worried about my to do list, and I have pineapple spears from Costco.

How am I doing?  I’m rapid cycling through the stages of grief, if you don’t like my answer wait an hour or so and it’ll change.

We have marked a to do off the list of things we need to do, but won’t have an update until Thursday.

Love, Heather

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