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Archive for the ‘Flowers make me happy’ Category

Tonight was opening ceremonies for Utah Summer Games and once again I sat enjoying summer thinking that this has been the perfect summer. The kind written about in novels and portrayed in movies. I spent some time holding hands I used the peaceful quiet as an opportunity to think backwards and analyze if this was my perfect summer. As a child summers were fine, but just marched off time. I never knew what Hard Things were nor had it ever really crossed my mind leaving me unaware of the value in boring mid-summer days.

Somewhere along with adult responsibilities showing up summer fun went running away, caught up in the doll drum of routine life and stress and was nothing more than a tick marking passing time.   I did fun things, many of them but I rarely enjoyed any of them. 
This summer I’ve spent hours watching the water run over rocks, the moon rising, the sun glistening off the lake. For once time seems to have slowed down and the view from the slow side roads has been beautiful with wild flowers, beautiful skyscapes, and smell of grass in the air. I would love to freeze this summer forever and I’m grateful for the summers full of Hard Things, tears, and deep sorrow to give me the perspective to love every summer evening this year and cherish it for the beauty in each warm breeze. 
Flowers from my yard
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My days have been starting between 6-7. Start off with a load of laundry or dishes, get kids off and going, come home and work on that days project. Take “breaks” periodically by switching to doing something with my flower bed because who doesn’t like to weed during their break?  Realize it’s 2 pm or later and I still haven’t eaten breakfast. Eat lunch while walking around putting things back in their place. Back to project of the day before muscles get too sore. Dinner? Late of course then back to the project. 10 pm realize that scriptures haven’t been read yet and no one seems to care about bedtime. Bedtime routine begins, and finally at 11:53 pm I climb into bed to check messages and slow down my thinking and ignore my screaming muscles and the still very long list of only the most important things.

I’m tired of hearing about others’ long days of working on projects for 10 hours a day expecting sympathy and help. Tired of things not being done — definitely headed in the right direction but not there yet. Tired of hauling furniture by myself, laughing at “team lift” warnings, being told “no, you can’t do that” and having to pay for massages. My long days won’t end at least until the outside of the house is painted — you know, likely this fall. 
Good night, I hope for a content six hours but excited I get a nap tomorrow because I work night shift. 
Because flowers make me smile, from my front bed. 
Mexican Primrose

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I mentioned the other day that I’ve been happy lately and I’ve wanted to expand on that idea. So often the world thinks that happy comes from external forces. Lack of trials, Hard Things missing in your life, good things happening, a beautiful home, well behaved and talented children. Those things may be fun and exciting and have a Christmas morning type of Happy (like Pharrell Williams Happy) that’s not what I’m talking about.

This happy is internal and present even in the midst of Hard Things and absence of wonderful things. It’s who I am, who I’ve fought so hard to find because I knew she was in there somewhere yelling and screaming to be found. I’ve heard her voice when I can look at the chaos in my life and realize that it’s okay, when I look in the mirror and am able to laugh at myself and broken tailbone grateful I went skating still I could see a reflection, or reading a book when my life is hidden behind the words I could feel her close.  She’s been nearby but just out of reach for too long.
On a particularly hard day I remembered back to high school and Brother Harr asking me if I ever didn’t smile because he hadn’t seen it. That’s the part of me that’s is back. My resting face smile has returned. Just like meeting an old friend I know the date and time she found me. I feel more like myself than I have in years. Hard Things are still all around and I don’t know how I’m going to do everything I’m suppose to much less everything I want to but I have a smile on my face, peace in my heart and faith that everything is going to be okay. 
To those who stood by me and drug me through my mucky days I am forever thankful. The muck would have swallowed me up if you hadn’t been there. Thank you. 
Just because flowers make me happy
~Heather ❤️

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March is full of amazing holidays. Pi day, National Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast day tomorrow.

It also carries a significant amount of sadness and memories I’d like to move past. This weekend is hard and that may not ever change. Why does my birthday have to be squished in there too?  I’d love to create new happy memories, but it’s difficult to bake a cake for yourself, plan fun for yourself when it’s just well, you. 
I think it’s strange that Valentines Day alone doesn’t bother me but my birthday does. This weekend I’d like to hide away and have a shoulder to cry on but instead I will “chin up, Buttercup” and go about my business of saving lives, one charting requirement at a time. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a time of not lonely. 
I do have flowers blooming here and there and it helps a little, but not much. 

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