Archive for the ‘love’ Category

Love comes in many forms, but when it comes from someone who makes you feel complete, safe, and whole your entire world changes.  I’d heard from many people how much they liked Neil because of how happy I was.  I guess it mostly made sense, he does make me happy and completely content in ways that I had only heard about and didn’t really believe existed.  It’s one thing to feel it yourself, it is even better to see it in someone you love and care about.


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Quote Hunting

I’ve spent the last 40 minutes looking for a quote that I can’t find.  If anyone knows it I’d love a reference for it. Meanwhile here is the background. 

My pain is getting worse, little things are stacking up on each other with little to no resting time. Last week at work was crazy, I only got lunch one day and the constant running was hard on my back —  especially my climbing over a feeding tube, vent hoses/wires going to the wall, under suction tubing and then stretching sideways. Last week was just the foundation for this week. Every day I have to be at the hospital between meetings, extra shifts, and picture day. Did I mention I’m hurting more? Almost like I’m back in July hurting. I have renters to move in, which means updating the lease that I’ve been putting off can’t be put off any longer. The kittens had a crazy day today breaking the glass out of my favorite picture of Christ and my good mixing bowl. I woke up to glass everywhere upstairs. I can’t neglect to mention the large and obvious chin zit because why should my skin cooperate with me?
I was around my favorite people today though. I’d rather have days (weeks?!?) like this with people I love around me than have a so called perfect day without them.  
Here’s my quote on one of my pictures that warms my heart. The idea isn’t mine and I’ve seen something recently that I can’t find tonight. 

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I worked all day for Sunday last week, missing once again Conference talks. Fortunately I was able to download them to my phone so I could listen to them on Monday’s long ride home alone. I need to listen to them again because regardless of the topic I kept coming back to the story in Henry B Eyring’s talk about the Grandmother going to see her grandson in prison wondering her own version of why me?  Her answer was “I gave him to you because I knew you could and would love him no matter what he did.” Not so shockingly I bawled enough I probably should have pulled over coming down the canyon on I-70. 

The rest of the way home I kept thinking of this, from different perspectives. 

The obvious that Heavenly Father loves each and everyone of us. Not just at the times we are doing well, but all the time. When we are struggling,  when we’ve stumbled then tripped and it feels like we can’t get up, when we question, doubt, and don’t believe we are loved.  If I project my feelings as a parent I believe that those times we are loved even more. 

I don’t believe that love is only an emotion. The bigger definition is as an action and the overall way that an individual treats those they love.   As part of God’s love for us He ensures that there are people around us who love us, no matter what. 

I’ve been in a place where I pushed all of that support away and it was dark, cold and very lonely. Looking backwards, it was my fault. Some of the same people who are there for me now I realized I’ve pushed away in the past. The good news is the people that were put into my life are also patient and forgiving. 

I also wonder if there is more power in love than I realize. Sure it makes one happy and can bring hope and relief while not realizing that one is loved is discouraging and lonely. I know that much, but I wonder how much stronger of a force love is, and if we will ever realize it. 


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For my birthday movie I picked going to see a Nicholas Sparks movie, and afterwards Maria asked why I picked that movie as we both had mascara raccoon eyes from crying at the ending.  In the chaos of life I’d forgotten that conversation until I downloaded “Dear John” to listen to on the road.  Fairy tale stories of perfect timing, perfect people, perfect couples, perfectly fictional.  I’m not typically a big fan of chick flicks, but somehow his I really enjoy.

My answer for why I love a Nicholas Sparks book/movie/audio book is simple.  It gives me hope.  I know that he does not come close to writing real life and that my life will never mirror anything he writes.  It does give me hope though, that just maybe, sometime I will have someone to walk with in the evenings, sit on the swing and laugh with that can see through “I’m fine” and perhaps doesn’t even have to ask.  I have a long list of must have’s, very important, would really like, and a few absolutely not.  The must have and absolutely not list are both fairly short.

As I look at my life and reality of living in small town Southern Utah as a single Mom I’m not certain that my list will ever be filled and that’s okay too, better than being wrong.

This post was originally a bit longer, decided it should be condensed some — the whole world doesn’t need to know everything about me after all.


p.s.  This is the first post I’ve written or looked at on the computer for a long time, most of my posts come from my phone.  I’m realizing now my formatting is really wonky and I’m not certain how to fix it so if you are dealing with the poor line up just to read my ramblings, thank you.  Maybe someday soon I’ll spend some time making it a little prettier in here.

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This post is how I feel, about my experiences as a Mom. I do not and will not claim to speak for anyone else. 

One of the interesting things I have found as Mom is that you experience everything your kids do (or that they are willing to share with you) more intensely than you ever did when you went through similar things. In a heartbeat I’d face the two faced friends in middle school not only because I don’t want my kids to have to deal with them but because it hurts more watching your kids. 
I never thought that I’d be willing to go through things I really dislike I place of my kids, but I can’t count how many stomach viruses I’ve unsuccessfully wished on myself. 
The opposite is also true, there is so much joy to be found in watching your child work hard at something and then see that hard work pay off with success. Joy coupled with the hope they see the value in their hard work and dedication. 
Love gets redefined as a Mom, first in the delivery room when you hear the first cry and many times after. Sitting waiting for the specialists verdict at PCMC, again, because the first time all you remember hearing is “I don’t know, we need to run more tests.”  The love that comes with a Mother’s prayer for her child’s life changes the mother forever. 
Then come the Tweens and teens when you cherish the good moments and hold on for the rest often catching yourself thinking “it’s a good thing I love you right now”  I promise that through all the frustration and boundary testing there is a deep love flowing even during the times you can’t remember it. Tell your kids as often as possible that you love them, you care about them and their life. Even the teenage drama that they have to go through, when waters get rough it’s important they know you are there for them when they need it. 

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