Archive for the ‘phone posting’ Category

Road trips and Sunday don’t usually fall in my same list often and I’ve been feeling a little disconnected from Sunday — and an extension the rest of my week. It’s like church, the Sacrament, connecting with Ward members is a hard reset. My figurative computer has been needing that hard reset.  As I was faced with the decision to make the round trip drive today or who knows when and weighing everything on the line I decided to go, and was instantly glad. 

I scheduled things for as late as possible but that still gave me just enough time to take the girls to church stay for the Sacrament and then leave. Charlet had the choice of coming or not and wanted to come so Kaede stayed with Corry’s during Sacrament meeting and then home with them after. 
With wind in my favor I can make it on 1 tank of gas, I had snacks for the trip and a sandwich for the road, plans to be home for a late dinner if leftovers. We should be good right?
To begin with I expected something miraculous to happen in that first 15 minutes and it didn’t–much like anytime you stand somewhere just waiting for blessings to come your way. I had told Charlet earlier that we had a “good enough excuse” and no one would question is missing but that this morning was a test of priorities and for me the Sacrament is important enough to get dressed up for and delay getting out of town a little.  See?  Shouldn’t blessings have been falling all over us?  Yeah, it doesn’t work quite like that.  
Get in the car and peek at every thing to realize I didn’t fill up last night when we got home. Uhhh, I can’t make the trip on 1/2 a tank even with the best wind. I also fell into the trap of “as long as I’m getting gas I should get a soda”. 
Fast forward to I-70. Once you pass Richfield there is an exit for Salina and whatever highway that is on. A very poorly marked exit that is easy to miss if you are tired and trying to do the math of if you have enough time for a 5 minute roadside nap. After Salina there is a lot of nothing and then eventually a Rest Stop and then a ranch exit. 
Missed the Salina exit and at the Rest Stop I didn’t realize I could turn around and by the ranch exit my bladder was going to explode. There was no bathroom, no thick forest of trees, no trees, no sagebrush or bushes. Only significant traffic and ankle high grass–and google maps to see where I went wrong. 
We get turned back around, 30 miles too late at this point and find the Rest Stop. 
The rest of the trip was similar, caught behind the RV going 40 mph on the freeway and the bazillion towns that require slowing down once we hit the highway. 
I should mention that I’m approaching this road trip backwards for how I’m familiar. 
I’m grateful for my talking google maps that is once again keeping me headed in the right direction, until my life lesson of the day hits. I started losing faith in my little app. What I thought to be the right destination wasn’t. I lost faith because turning when the app told me too had me on a different road than I was use to, even though it was a better road the familiar landmarks were not there and I’d been led astray when I was listening and following right?
My perception was different than reality but in the middle of being lost in the middle of nowhere Utah I knew what I was being told was wrong. As I did my own thing and turned around for the right spot my app went crazy on me. It knew I needed more help and was trying to give it — not that I was listening.  
I gave in and followed the little voice and ended up where I was meant to be, even though it was later than I was suppose to be there. 
How many times do we try to discuss which path is correct because we are trusting our own knowledge instead of trusting in the Gospel plan to get us to our destination?  I was tempted to turn the navigation off of Google maps because it was frustrating and annoying, I hope I never turn off the Holy Ghost because I lack faith, patience, or endurance. 
The temple wasn’t my destination and my plans of walking the grounds were sabotaged by my plans being botched, but I did managed to get a stop in the middle of the road picture as we hurried by to come home. 

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This post is how I feel, about my experiences as a Mom. I do not and will not claim to speak for anyone else. 

One of the interesting things I have found as Mom is that you experience everything your kids do (or that they are willing to share with you) more intensely than you ever did when you went through similar things. In a heartbeat I’d face the two faced friends in middle school not only because I don’t want my kids to have to deal with them but because it hurts more watching your kids. 
I never thought that I’d be willing to go through things I really dislike I place of my kids, but I can’t count how many stomach viruses I’ve unsuccessfully wished on myself. 
The opposite is also true, there is so much joy to be found in watching your child work hard at something and then see that hard work pay off with success. Joy coupled with the hope they see the value in their hard work and dedication. 
Love gets redefined as a Mom, first in the delivery room when you hear the first cry and many times after. Sitting waiting for the specialists verdict at PCMC, again, because the first time all you remember hearing is “I don’t know, we need to run more tests.”  The love that comes with a Mother’s prayer for her child’s life changes the mother forever. 
Then come the Tweens and teens when you cherish the good moments and hold on for the rest often catching yourself thinking “it’s a good thing I love you right now”  I promise that through all the frustration and boundary testing there is a deep love flowing even during the times you can’t remember it. Tell your kids as often as possible that you love them, you care about them and their life. Even the teenage drama that they have to go through, when waters get rough it’s important they know you are there for them when they need it. 

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Before I begin this is the second time I’ve typed this up, phone posting even!  Grrrr!!
I played city league co-Ed softball tonight, first time I’ve played anything besides church ball in over a decade. Don’t get me wrong, church ball is awesome its just a bit different. 
Main lesson I learned tonight is if you don’t use it you lose it. My throwing arm?  It’s gone, a distant memory I’m now wondering how much of it was a little enhanced since I was 20. I can consistently connect with the ball, it just doesn’t go as far as I’d like and my rough ability to place the ball is now tied up in theory and physics lessons. I didn’t get a chance to test my ability to field a fly ball but the test will come, hopefully with a little more skill. I won’t even discuss my inability to run the bases. I was never a wonderful softball player earning scholarships to wherever I wanted to go with loyal fans besides Mom but I love the game, tried my best {usually}, was dedicated and loyal to the team and I consistently improved until I stopped playing. 
If you don’t use it you lose it applies to far more than softball skills. Math {have you tried to help with high school math homework recently?  Nothing us even named the same!} to gardening and faith. 
Over the last few years I’ve learned that faith is a verb, and as a verb if you don’t use that skill set it can atrophy the same way my softball skills have. 
It’s a different skill set, this one consists of regularly studying the scriptures. Not just reading a chapter a night, but contemplating the words and taking it beyond the stories and personalizing the messages. I’m not knocking the chapter a night, that’s what we do as a family. I just need more. Praying not just out of habit before crawling into bed but praying like Enos. Attending meetings not just physically but with heart and mind.  Gratitude, service, and humility have become my trifecta for strengthening my faith when things are difficult. 
With regular use the faith skill set can become a strong foundation able to withstand the trials and darkness that will come. There has been a lot of discussion lately about only needing a twig of faith to act on.  Today I have that twig. 
I don’t know how but I do know that everything will be okay — eventually. I can’t let myself focus on the how because there is no answer for that right now. It’s not going to be easy and there may be times I wish I could give up but we will be okay. 

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Long ago and not so far away I remember thinking “I wish I had her life”. Things that I was specifically struggling with she was not and I didn’t know anyone who didn’t enjoy being around her. As I got to know more people here there were more people who could fill in the blank.

A few of those people I’ve gotten to know better and now call them friends. I enjoy being around them as much as ever but now I know they aren’t happy and fun to be around because they have an easy life, they are fun to be around because that is who they are inside, regardless of the trials they were {still are for some}

I wonder how does one find the balance of a smile and best foot forward in times of trial without stuffing all of the emotions and details that must be worked through.

When it doesn’t seem to make a difference how do I get up each day? Laundry? Does it ever really matter?

Life is feeling too much like a checklist of very important things that must be done while my mind is always elsewhere.

It is as if life has required amount of worry that is required for each trial. Forget about a test? Required to worry until it is graded and posted at worry level 2. Tests, forgotten and otherwise (except for the NCLEX) have never worried me much though. Serious illness of a loved one? 2 weeks at worry level 8 then a month at worry level 2, to be repeated with each illness flare. Trials in the past that I felt stuck on until there was some kind of resolution dependent on others I have moved past without the resolution or any solid answers

I don’t know how much more of my now I can control {change the things you can, accept the rest} and I know that there are things right now that I will not ever accept. Ever. I know I can’t change them either. Worry level unmeasurable, length of time undetermined.

I don’t know how to improve my perspective right now. How can I be the person I want to be?


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Someone needs to take away my ability to write a blog post from my phone while tired.   Even typing >70 wpm my thoughts sometimes run faster than my fingers, pecking out a post on my phone does not do any kind of service to me getting across how I am feeling.

There are a few things that I can say with strong certainty right now.  Friends, family and neighbors care about me and my family and I have several people that if needed I could {and have} called before and after acceptable calling hours for something.  I am very grateful not even daily but hourly for them.

I don’t know if the last little bit I’ve hit a social “how are you doing?” but if I have I haven’t noticed.  I have noticed a lot of sincere faces with listening ears {I know, I’m not talking to kids here but it still applies} that have asked “how are you doing?”  often in those conversations include a just as sincere “let me know if there is anything I can do for you”  I know people care.  I know there are friends that know that the answer is going to be “not okay” if a bunch of new flowers show up in my yard.

I’ve had amazing help the last several years, from a well timed “want to go get a coke?” to muscle strength helping me move things I can’t move alone or helping me get rid of the infernal rose thicket.  Twice.  Wait, this year makes three.  A few Christmas’s ago before Gromps’ funeral my answer when asked what can we do for you was “I don’t even know”  Maybe I didn’t know, but they did — and they acted above and beyond anything I could imagine.

That doesn’t include the plethora of people who worry about the kids when I’m at work and are willing to give them rides here there and everywhere, including keeping them in line when needed and having them help out on their farm.  I don’t know what but I don’t doubt that there is a lot more that I could fit into this section.

I know people care, retaught so much when asked at one of the late night calls “what’s going on” and my answer was “I can’t say right now”  What was happening was definitely secondary to how I was doing.  That few minutes taught me more than I realized — I hope that farther down the road I can think back and get more out of that experience, and perhaps be that person for someone else.

What I wondered was does how really matter.  As long as the list of stuff gets done, why does the how matter when it comes down to it.

I don’t know the answer, but I’m past wondering now — filing it away into a file of things I wish I never was in a place to feel.  It’s turning into a pretty big file.

For everyone wondering how, I’m managing to get up each morning {or equivalent for whatever my shift is} and brushing my teeth.  My sarcasm is coming back at times and I’m playing softball this year on city league. I can even smile a little at the comparison of being told “we just need another girl on the roster” to being picked last for kickball in elementary school.  I still got picked, and I’m hoping softball proves to be a good outlet for me right now.  I do think I’m going to have more color in my front yard this year than I ever have before.

This is what got me out of bed this morning when I nearly turned off the alarm and hid under the covers.

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How are you?

Well, how are you?

Or, why does it matter? I don’t doubt that there are people who sincerely care how I’m doing but I am wondering why it matters. Friends and neighbors have helped me in some amazing ways and millions of small ways and I am so very grateful, but does how I’m doing really matter? Why?

I’m feeling a little volatile lately and starting to think I should come with a hazard placard.

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This weekend has been fun. Painful, but fun.

I entered the weekend carrying a hefty load of emotional pain that a long walk didn’t clear away. I was determined to not spend my birthday weekend at home being all mopey. I went to the movies with a couple of friends, Nicholas Sparks movie for good measure.

Afterwards someone asked why I picked that movie. It’s much easier to watch the perfect love story and realize it is just a story. Seeing a husband head over heels puppy dog in love after years together is hard.

Saturday I went roller skating. Or roller falling. My hands are bruised and the pain in my tailbone is keeping me awake. I am propped on my side realizing that every 2 hours might not be often enough to turn patients when they aren’t comfy. I’m not comfy. I’ve said I’m not going to the doc for this because they can’t do anything for it. Except maybe give me meds better than ibuprofen. I can’t just not sleep but the knife going through my tailbone leaves me here awake and miserable.

Skating was still fun.

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