Archive for the ‘strength’ Category


Today I woke up determined to be stronger than whatever yesterday was all about. Stronger than my pillow, stronger than a headache (that’s been gone since Tuesday)

If I’m determined to be strong today I don’t like the implication that I was weak yesterday. I have no idea what last night was all about, just that it makes for a very busy day today with things that can’t be rushed like cake time in the freezer. And a long list of housework and laundry that is important to me. 
I won’t say I was weak yesterday, but please, please let today be different

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I don’t know how many times since Paul and I separated and especially the last year I’ve wondered why I have to go through this alone. What “this” is has varied from spring cleaning to shouldering major trials. Today I realized I’m not who I use to be. 

Over the last few years I’ve discovered my individual worth, uncovered strength buried so deep it was virtually impossible to find and been humbled far beyond what was comfortable. I’ve made mistakes and stood strong when I felt like crumbling. I’ve crumbled and had help picking up the pieces.  I’m not through this yet and have started to wondered if there is such a thing and being done with a trial. 
I have grown in ways I never imagined possible. I’ve learned that sometimes I need thee every hour isn’t often enough. Prayer can get one through anything. Faith can do more than move mountains, it can give hope in the middle of the darkest night. A well timed phone call is better than the strongest medicine and true friends are priceless. 
The old me could say those things but the new me believes them with every breath I take. 
I do get weary dealing with life alone, but alone is what has forced me to grow and for that I am deeply grateful.  I’ve had to deal with this alone so I can become the me I’m meant to be. 
If at some point there are lessons for me to learn not being alone I would be okay with that too, this path is often lonely. 

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Rarely do things I read on the Internet make me angry. This is an exception that is coming back to me, days later. A friend who is in the early stages of getting a divorce posted looking for some additional strength. Really, who hasn’t needed a little extra strength at one time or another?

Someone replied that you are either doing the right thing or you aren’t. If you are doing the right thing you shouldn’t need to be looking for strength. 
The early days of getting a divorce are hard. Really hard. I had no doubt it was the right choice but daily I went looking for strength. I found it on my walks, in visits with the Relief Society president, when I was falling apart knowing I couldn’t go on and surely there couldn’t be another day after this one is there?  Yes, I needed to find extra strength. 
Going back to school with little kids.  Oh heavens did I need to go looking for strength. Making the decision to walk away from a bad situation?  Takes strength — staying is much easier. Going to Sacrament meeting at 9 am when I got home at 7 and have to go to work again takes emotional and physical strength. 
So tonight when I don’t feel strong enough to stand up to what is before me I’m looking for strength. I fought for this, would have fought to be bitter end if needed.  None of that makes tonight any easier and so I go looking for strength because I know it is there, I know I can do hard things and I know in the morning the sun will rise again. 
Meanwhile I write, read, and pray because I’ve learned that the deeper the strength is hidden the more powerful it is when it’s found. 
So, you can take your sentiment of if you are doing the right thing you don’t need to look for strength and run away elsewhere, I have no interest in playing with you. 

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