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***I will have to add the picture later, I forgot that blogger doesn’t like phone images***

I can be very tight budgeted when it comes to grocery shopping, mostly by need at various times. As I went grocery shopping today for Thanksgiving I am grateful that occasionally we are in a position to have excess.  I love Thanksgiving and this year I’m finding myself more in a holiday mood and hoping to continue an excess of traditions (I nearly didn’t have ham and turkey this year, until I realized how important it was to others)

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So, I’m still around.  I’ve been busy being married, juggling kids, work, housework, and life.

I’ve been wanting to write.  I have thoughts and feelings inside of me that are crying to get out, and their way out is through words.  I won’t promise that I will be around often or regularly, but I will be around.  Some stuff might be shared not so publicly, but feel free to ask me just about anything.


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Blog updates

When I find a recipe I like on a blog I like it to have a link to make it printable.  I want to do that, and I’m trying to figure it out.  In five minute chunks here and there while I am trying to avoid going out and shoveling more snow.  It’s taking time, lots of dust, and several kinks.  So, excuse the dust and kinks but things will be better and more improved!

Happy Winter.

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The Good Life

I’m laying here, exhausted but unable to sleep. So, so many things running through my head and a heart full of gratitude. I wish I could capture how I feel right now and save it for dark days. 

Life is far, far from perfect but I wouldn’t change a thing (ok, I would love my kitchen sink back!). Housework, bills, projects, and meetings all are ahead of me and they aren’t anymore fun than they have ever been, however my life feels so absolutely full and blessed. A few weekends ago I left my house full of family still sleeping to go to work, very disappointed in the fun I’d be missing. In one sigh I was able to be grateful for the family that I pined to be with and for the job that has sustained me for so long. I clocked in a bit misty eyed and with a better attitude. It was still a hard day to be inside working instead of outside with my family but underneath the hard I recognized the blessing. 
So, life is good. Very, very good. I’m still around, just busy. 

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A day late, but yesterday I was grateful for warmth that was as simple as a thermostat adjustment and heated more than the front room after Sundays power outage. 

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I think most of us at sometime or another feel some version of “I’m not enough, I never will be enough and I’m too tired to keep trying.”  Yesterday started that way for me. Nothing was different, but my life is anything but easy. I’m okay with that, I don’t know anyone who has ever gotten anywhere by things being easy. It could be that Hard Things caught up with me, realizing that I will never be able to do it all. If my basement is clean, upstairs is messy. If laundry and dishes are done there is clutter everywhere. If weeds are pulled at the rental we are eating fast food for dinner. If I’m working everything else falls to pieces. I can’t do it on my own and occasionally a black cloud of “I can’t” finds it’s way to me.

A small part of me wants to give into “I can’t” and hide under the covers all day. A bigger part of me wants to figuratively run away into a novel or movie. There have been times that most of me wanted to literally run away. The first two have won in the past, but Reality is very patient waiting for me when I come out from underneath the covers, close the book, or credits roll. While it’s been patient Reality has grown as if it feasts on my frustrations. 
Yesterday was different. I took a few minutes with I can’t just so she wouldn’t feel ignored and then I thought of the passage from Finding Happiness, Peace, and Joy by Richard G. Scott on page 102 where he talks about I Can’t and her family of emotions not being from Christ. I took a deep breath watched Mountains To Climb and tried to kick I Can’t out. It wasn’t easy (see above) but knowing I had Gospel truths on my side made me more determined.

As I thought about how flawed and imperfect I am I realized that everyone is, we are all still here after all. I look at my role models and while I can’t see their imperfections I know they aren’t perfect either. They are still learning and growing too. They even have days where they are frustrated and overwhelmed.  It’s okay that we aren’t perfect, we aren’t meant to be after all.  We are here to learn and to grow. 

To those who deal with I Can’t on a daily basis, I wish I had words to make things easier for you. That I could jump insider your head and help fight the endless battle for you. Like A Broken Vessel from October 2013 General Conference by Jeffrey R Holland is one of the most hope filled things I have to offer. 

So, I’ve been sitting on this post for about a week waiting to find the quote, snap a picture of the passage from the book, something. Anything. I can’t find my book and I wanted to read tonight. I feel like I’ve lost my seminary copy of the scriptures.  I am going to post this as is, unedited and not prettied up — much like those down days feel


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He Loves Me Nots

In my tween years I thought of daisies as “he loves me nots” showing both my pessimist view and what I thought was the most accurate way to know if I was loved (in the kind of puppy dog crushes “love” only tweens have). Sometimes I forced the love, counting backwards before I started plucking the petals to predetermine my fate. 
In my yard and most of the neighborhood all of the daisies are spent, dried petals and drooping heads alerting us that fall is just around the corner. As I was walking the other day this peeked at me from behind a light pole. The day was gloomy outside but this matched my peaceful soul. As I stopped to admire the beauty I almost picked it to play he loves me, he loves me. 
I left it, hoping it would brighten someone’s day and realizing that I don’t need a daisy to determine if I’m loved. I know it because I feel it and I see it every day in small and large acts of kind service. I hear it often and know from the smile on my face when I hear his special text tone. 
Just like this daisy, love isn’t perfect. There are petals with small bite marks from a grasshoppers lunch and some that never fully uncurled but this little daisy brightened the street and put a smile on my face making my day better simply for being there. 
It’s being there that I’ve wanted for so long. Not the big exciting dates (okay, those are fun too), constant barrage of flowers (I’m an occasionally fan of flowers — not so much frequently) or other outward shows of affection but the evening walks, showing up at my house during lunch break or waiting for me after a long days work. Simply being there and being present in my life makes bad moments good and good things better. 

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I blog because I like to write.  I blog for me and no one else, the only promoting I do is sharing some of the posts on Facebook.  Writing lets me think through and say things that I can’t think of in the moment.  Sarcastic comments are almost always on the tip of my tongue, and so is the ability to depreciate a compliment.  I’m working on the compliments, but I’ve only gotten so far as saying “thank you” and there are times that I want to say more but I feel lost and for once all my words leave me.

I also love to read blogs.  Friends, strangers, local people I don’t know really well, artists, medical folk, mommy blogs, cooking blogs, photography blogs — it really doesn’t matter I will read and enjoy a variety of blogs.  When people have topical blogs it makes me wonder how they do it though.  I know people spend more time than I do on their blogging habits from designing to beautiful photography and multiple drafts of entries where mine is more of a mind purge into a quickly thrown together spot on the internet but to have several posts per week on highly defined topics is crazy.  Food blog?  Okay, we’ll discuss recipes and pictures of beautiful food, maybe even a gone wrong section but how many days can you do that?  Pictures, editing, multiple drafts and all?  Same with whatever topic the blog may be on.  So, from me you are going to continue to get a mish mash of random stuff written in train of thought style.  If I get my blog prettied up, it will have topics for things I like blogging about but it’s still going to be a fairly eclectic collection.

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Cancer Sucks

I miss my 3 West peeps the last few days. Especially today.  So many thoughts and feelings running through my head that I can’t share other than cancer sucks. Friends that I wonder how they are doing, comfy chairs I’d sit in and eat hot tamales. 

One more time, cancer sucks. 

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I love to read blogs. A lot. I enjoy blogging, it gives me a way to have a voice when I want to talk about things but the cat doesn’t care to stay around or listen. I have a random collection of blogs, started as photoblogs turned into remembering how much I enjoy writing. I’ve never gotten much past blogging as a stream of consciousness rough draft but since I’m not being graded or trying to impress the world I’m okay with that. I blog for me and if people enjoy reading it then it’s a little bonus I guess. 

This morning I wanted to write a post but keep it password protected then I found out that blogger doesn’t allow that, I think I must have been using wordpress when I’ve done it before. I found a way around my problem and I think that solution might also be the solution for other thoughts that I’ve been wanting to get out of my head somewhere. Or it might just sit with that one lonely post. Maybe someday I will progress past my stream of consciousness writing style and post something that I’ve worked on. 

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