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Blogging

I blog because I like to write.  I blog for me and no one else, the only promoting I do is sharing some of the posts on Facebook.  Writing lets me think through and say things that I can’t think of in the moment.  Sarcastic comments are almost always on the tip of my tongue, and so is the ability to depreciate a compliment.  I’m working on the compliments, but I’ve only gotten so far as saying “thank you” and there are times that I want to say more but I feel lost and for once all my words leave me.

I also love to read blogs.  Friends, strangers, local people I don’t know really well, artists, medical folk, mommy blogs, cooking blogs, photography blogs — it really doesn’t matter I will read and enjoy a variety of blogs.  When people have topical blogs it makes me wonder how they do it though.  I know people spend more time than I do on their blogging habits from designing to beautiful photography and multiple drafts of entries where mine is more of a mind purge into a quickly thrown together spot on the internet but to have several posts per week on highly defined topics is crazy.  Food blog?  Okay, we’ll discuss recipes and pictures of beautiful food, maybe even a gone wrong section but how many days can you do that?  Pictures, editing, multiple drafts and all?  Same with whatever topic the blog may be on.  So, from me you are going to continue to get a mish mash of random stuff written in train of thought style.  If I get my blog prettied up, it will have topics for things I like blogging about but it’s still going to be a fairly eclectic collection.

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Cancer Sucks

I miss my 3 West peeps the last few days. Especially today.  So many thoughts and feelings running through my head that I can’t share other than cancer sucks. Friends that I wonder how they are doing, comfy chairs I’d sit in and eat hot tamales. 

One more time, cancer sucks. 

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I love to read blogs. A lot. I enjoy blogging, it gives me a way to have a voice when I want to talk about things but the cat doesn’t care to stay around or listen. I have a random collection of blogs, started as photoblogs turned into remembering how much I enjoy writing. I’ve never gotten much past blogging as a stream of consciousness rough draft but since I’m not being graded or trying to impress the world I’m okay with that. I blog for me and if people enjoy reading it then it’s a little bonus I guess. 

This morning I wanted to write a post but keep it password protected then I found out that blogger doesn’t allow that, I think I must have been using wordpress when I’ve done it before. I found a way around my problem and I think that solution might also be the solution for other thoughts that I’ve been wanting to get out of my head somewhere. Or it might just sit with that one lonely post. Maybe someday I will progress past my stream of consciousness writing style and post something that I’ve worked on. 

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I’m sitting in bed, trying to convince myself that I can handle tomorrow and that there are a few hours inbetween now and then that nothing but breathing is required of me and I can recover from today. 

As I sit back and think about how today has gone trying to find my three gratitudes I realize how fortunate I am, even in the middle of hard things. 
I’m grateful we’ve reached the time of year that even getting out of work late I have time for a walk and get to see yet another beautiful Cedar sunset and chat with Kaede about her weekend. 
I’m forever indebted to my neighbors.  Today I got to see some of them help another person today and I can’t express how amazing they are and how grateful I am to call them friends. The same extends to houses up and down the street, a few blocks over etc. I love my neighborhood, I love my ward and the thoughts of losing anymore friends feels like a knife in my stomach. I just won’t do it, and no one is allowed to move. 
I’m grateful for the ability to see good among times when everything seems bad all around. 

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Tough Week

Without detailing to the public why, this week has been rough with each day getting progressively harder. Last weekend was good, sick kids, massive driving and couch surfing at Gary’s included. Tiring but good. 

Every once in a while when we have an unstable patient that we are constantly titrating drips on our monitors will for a second show a perfect picture. Adequate vital signs, rhythm not overly funky and for half a breath everything seems great. That’s what looking back over the pictures from last weekend does for me. Glimpses of time captured forever that seem absolutely perfect.  If I could pick a picture to be my forever, this would be it. 
What may seem like a quick snap to the world speaks volumes to me. My entire heart was sitting on that couch, together. They are the driving force behind everything I do and I’ve come to realize that it’s quite likely I will never be able to describe how much I love them or how perfect this moment was. If it wasn’t a stupid phone picture I’d blow it up big and put it on the wall.
This moment, I want this to be my forever. All the hope, love, potential, and all around awesomeness that I could ever want. 

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I can’t think of anything to begin to describe today, so here you go…

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…you don’t know

Forget phototherapy, it’s meme therapy week apparently. In a few weeks I will be a place that always feels like my parenting is being judged. Parent Teacher Conferences. At my best getting the kids organized and on task and turning in the assignments we struggled to complete is nearly impossible. Things are far from best right now and there are 100 “little things” I could do more each day that someone else is certain will make a huge difference in kids’ lives. I could model better housekeeping skills, we could recite math facts while cheerfully making complex recipes that require three pots to simultaneously be stirred constantly. We should have ate more veggies today, drank more water, walked to school and choir instead of driving. Let’s not forget patiently waiting around the High School to be present for both solo & ensemble performances.  Oh, the dress for the performances?  I made sure to buy one that didn’t need to be ironed or it would always be wrinkly. 
Yes there are things I wish I was better at, but feeling like February and March I’m just this side of falling completely apart I’m prioritizing.  My kids go to bed knowing they are loved and that I will move heaven and earth for them if needed.  I would gladly go through all of their hard things for them if I could, it’s so much harder being a bystander, cheerleader, and shoulder to cry on. There are no more scrapped knees I can kiss better–and it does nothing for terrifying stage fright in my flute player. The best I could do is get new tights, and that does nothing for stage fright either. I can love them until my chest literally aches (yes, really) but they each have to walk down their rough road themselves. 
So, for parent teacher conference I wish I could print that off, hand it to the teacher (who is wonderful, we love her) and walk away because these meetings always feel like it comes back to a statement about my parenting and I already know I’m not doing enough.  Ever.  It’s okay though, I have 2 weeks to fret about it. 

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